


how do we even begin to fix a mess like this?

by cpacesowboyed



Series: Andrew Minyard Works Through His Issues, Goddamnit [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Established Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Andrew Minyard, Post-Canon, Protective Neil Josten, Sassy Neil Josten, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, because I said so, they get to heal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:08:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26490910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cpacesowboyed/pseuds/cpacesowboyed
Summary: “Faggot,”He still remembered the first time he had heard the word. He was still young, but he felt older than he actually was. Life was funny like that, and time wasn’t always linear like it theoretically should have been. So despite being seven years old, Andrew Minyard had been labeled for life.ORAaron Minyard doesn't always realize when he's being an asshole...but Andrew sure does.(he was raised by Tilda/Luther guys, he's bound to have a bit of internalized homophobia)
Relationships: Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Katelyn/Aaron Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Series: Andrew Minyard Works Through His Issues, Goddamnit [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1900600
Comments: 11
Kudos: 232





	how do we even begin to fix a mess like this?

**Author's Note:**

> this is not a coping fic that i found in my drafts and decided to post. absolutely not that

“Faggot,” 

He still remembered the first time he had heard the word. He was still young, but he felt older than he actually was. Life was funny like that, and time wasn’t always linear like it theoretically should have been. So despite being seven years old, Andrew Minyard had been labeled for life. 

It wasn’t as if he could make the stamp go away, but he could make it stop hurting him. He’d learned long ago that it was best to focus on what you could control rather than dwell on the things you couldn’t. But even then, every time he’d been called it “jokingly” or just heard it in passing, a little part of him was chipped away. Eventually there was so little left of him, that little unchippable part. The solid pit in the middle of the mango. 

These terms and everything everyone had tried to push onto him became a dull thrum in the back of his mind, meaning and definition lost solely because he forced himself to lose it. There were, after all, worse things happening in the world. He knew that personally.

Sometimes, some hopeless times, he couldn’t help but let the words cut through him. Sharp and bloody like a blade gliding it’s way through his flesh. He also knew that personally. 

The word wasn’t directed toward him, not in this situation. He thought he might’ve reacted much differently if it was. That didn’t change the fact that it was there. Aaron was in the minority of those who didn’t notice the shift in mood. Didn’t notice the way Andrew stiffened. Probably because _he_ was the one who’d said it.

It’d taken Andrew a while to finally accept who he was. Not only because of the sins others had committed against him in the past but because of the pain and memories that came with them. But when his legs dangled off of Neil’s shoulders while he sat on the couch, reading some worn paperback copy of whatever the fuck for class, he decided that the sins of other men shouldn’t concern him. Because Neil was just a boy, who liked another boy. And that was alright. That was all it needed to be, past be damned.

“No- go that- no! Dude-” Andrew glanced up from the frayed pages to the screen. “Don’t be a faggot!” And then he cackled. Well, cackled sounds rather villainous. But it did feel like a villainous moment, whether Aaron knew it or not.

Someone must’ve said something to Aaron to make him laugh like that. Neil jumped a bit at the sudden loudness, but continued playing with the aglet of Andrew’s shoe lace and watching the TV screen. After all of Aaron’s team ended up dying, the round ended and he set the controller aside, heading toward the bathroom.

Aaron was really shitty at this game. 

As soon as he heard the lock turn and the fan switch on, Neil dropped the lace and squeezed the toe of his shoe, “Hey.”

He didn't move his eyes from the screen. Another match was starting and Aaron’s invitation seemed like it was going to go to waste. Andrew already knew where this conversation was going.

“It’s fine.”

“That’s supposed to be my line.”

“Whatever,” Leaning forward, he planted a kiss on Neil’s forehead, tried to ignore the smile he’d gotten and how it melted him from the inside out, then planted a second one on his temple before getting up and making his way to the second bean bag chair to accept the invitation in his brother’s stead. He handed the headset off to Neil. He couldn’t deny that he liked it when Neil trash talked all of Aaron's online friends while he played, even if he tried, and he had tried.

He covered the microphone with his hand. “Drew,”

Andrew switched between screens to mute the two of them and waited for Neil to continue. 

“He-” 

“He doesn’t get it. Remember, I knew him long before you did, so you don’t need to lecture me about my idiot brother.” 

Or maybe Aaron did get it, and Andrew was just grasping for excuses. 

“But it’s so much fun.” The toilet flushed. 

“One day you’re going to start a fight you can’t win.”

“Hasn’t happened yet.” Slowly, they’d been learning to read the cues between each other. They’d developed less of a need for verbal yes or no’s. That didn’t mean they had been completely exterminated from their dynamic, they were just a bit more scattered. This could be a valid explanation as to why what happened next happened.

Without prompting, Neil pressed a kiss to a spot between Andrew’s jaw and the crook of his neck. He shivered when Neil did it. He was able to recognize that it wasn’t a shiver of disgust, but one of wanting. He had gotten used to Neil’s neck fetish by now, but it still caught him by surprise every time he had pressed his lips to the sensitive spot of skin, instantly warming Andrew all over, turning him into a creature of longing. A creature of desire.

“I’m warning you, Josten.” He grabbed his face in one hand, pulling it away from his neck, discontent with the fact that Aaron was only one closed door away, meaning he couldn’t do any of the things he wanted at the moment. “One hundred and six percent.”

“It was one-oh-nine yesterday.” The sink turned off. Neil leaned in closer. “I think I’m making progress.” 

“The only thing you’re making is my headache grow.” He said. He still found himself leaning closer. The door opened. 

Andrew hated wet doorknobs.

“Gross.” Aaron averted his eyes as he settled back into his own beanbag and glued his eyes onto the screen, “Two people died.” 

Looking up, he realized that he’d loaded into a seperate match while Aaron was in the bathroom and two people on his team had in fact died. He couldn’t find it in himself to care though.

Andrew tossed the controller off to the side and the headset had been dragged along with it. Ignoring as Aaron grumbled something about how expensive it would be to replace it if he broke it, he offered a simple, “Bill me.”

He glanced from the magnificent chill of blue that was Neil’s eyes. He swore he got frostbite every time he saw them. 

“Andrew you’re going to fuck up my rank-”

“So?”

“So if you’re going to queue in then actually play the game. Don’t sit here and touch dicks or whatever you two do.” Aaron picked up the battery pack that had launched itself across the room and fiddled with the batteries until they popped back into the pack.

“Get out then. You have the exact same console in your dorm, no?”

“What?” He sounded offended.

“Go on.” Andrew could feel the grin on his face. It wasn’t a real one. It was laced with malice and something not like hatred, but more along the line of distaste. “Unless you’d like to watch us touch dicks?”

Neil hid a chuckle in his shirt sleeve. 

“Oh, fuck you both.” Aaron slammed the door when he left the dorm.

The sound remained inside of Andrew’s mind even when he was trying to sleep later on that night. In truth, Andrew didn’t mind going to bed now. He didn't like it before because it left him vulnerable, and while he still woke at the occasional bump in the night, he could admit that he liked the way Neil’s body wrapped around his own. 

He still got nightmares, but then he was grounded by the familiarity of how warm and soft everything felt under the big fox paw blanket. It wasn’t always enough to calm him, but it did the trick more often than not.

The blanket was Andrew’s favorite because it was unbelievably warm. Especially in the winter when the walls couldn’t seem to keep the South Carolina chill out. It was Neil’s favorite because of the fox paws. Someone had knitted it for him for Christmas, which Andrew thought was stupid because Neil was Jewish. 

Well, Mary Hatford was Jewish, which technically made Neil Jewish. Still.

They lied when they gave it to him.

“I knitted it for you. As a Christmas present.” Dan told him when she handed him the bag they had packed it in. “But feel free to open it now so we can see how much you love it.”

Andrew saw Matt with a pair of needles the month before, but he remained quiet because he didn’t want to spoil Neil’s happiness. The sleepy smile on his face because he’d just woken up and Dan and Matt were leaving for the holidays right that moment. They were due to Columbia later that day themselves, but that could wait after a few more hours of sleep. 

What was he becoming? He missed the days when he was a lone wolf, apart from the pack. Then came Neil Josten like a hurricane, throwing his life into a whirlwind and God, he was staring right into the eye. 

Once, he’d told Neil that they wouldn’t be each other’s answers, and that remained true. But that didn’t mean they couldn’t help each other along the way. He’d come to accept that. Like his scars, Neil was a constant. But some constants could be good.

He turned and gently placed his hand in Neil’s red curls, trailing his fingers down his face. The topography of the other boys face, already memorized. A map Andrew found himself charting over again and again.

There was a shift in the sheets as Neil’s hand trapped his against his cheek. 

“Hey.”

“Did I wake you? Oops...”

“No. I’m not even tired.” He yawned. 

“Wow. You’re still a terrible liar.”

“I’m choosing to ignore that.” He replied. “Why are you awake?”

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Is it Aaron.”

“No.” When he saw Neil was waiting for him to continue he said, “Stop trying to psycho-analyze me.”

“It’s not psycho-analyzing when it’s obvious.”

“So?” He flicked Neil’s forehead. “Stop trying to solve me. I’m not one of your math problems.”

“You keep saying that as if it changes anything.”

“Does it?” Andrew asked.

“Probably not,” he smiled. “Math problem.”

“You’re going to wake up Day if you don’t stop talking.”

Neil let out a little laugh. 

“He sleeps through anything anyway.” Andrew tried to ignore the fact that his heart was doing fucking gymnastics.

After a few moments of silence he asked, “So if you’re such a fucking psychic then why am I awake?”

“I don’t want to say it. Just tell me about it. I like the sound of your voice.” Neil’s eyes were closed again. Sleep threatening to overtake him. But he knew that he would stay awake if Andrew asked him to.

Andrew took a deep breath, “It doesn't hurt. Not as much as it used to.”

He couldn’t explain it. Not really. What it felt like hearing those words leave the mouth of someone you were supposed to trust. He knew Aaron wasn’t like that. He knew. But that changed nothing, even though he wished it did.

It was like how your heart dropped on one of those rides at a themepark. The ones he was barely tall enough to get onto. 

“You should talk to him about it.”

“That would be the mature thing to do.”

“It would be.”

He said, “Since when are you the rational one.”

“I’m very wise when I’m tired.”

“Hm.” He couldn't come up with a genuine response. “Your wise side is beginning to get on my nerves.”

“Should I quote Shakespeare now or something?”

“I will not hesitate to smother you in your sleep. Don’t tempt me.”

“There are worse things in heaven and-” he was cut off by Andrew’s lips against his. When they pulled apart he grinned, Andrew’s mouth centimeters away from his. “Heaven and Earth, Horatio.”

“I hate you.” 

“Yeah,” Neil closed his eyes.

“Don’t be surprised when you wake up with a pillow over your face.”

“I’ll try not to be.”

Andrew untangled their hands and placed it under their shared pillow. An old habit. 

“Or when you don’t wake up at all.”

As he drifted off he came to the conclusion that he wouldn't smother Neil to death. At least not tonight.

It wasn’t a shock that Andrew didn’t in fact murder Neil while he slept, but it was a suprise when Andrew walked up to Aaron the next day and did what Neil would proclaim as “the mature thing”.

“We need to talk.” He said.

Aaron replied, “So talk.”

“No, not here.”

“Why not here?”

“It’s-” Andrew tried to come up with a reasonable excuse for why they couldn’t talk there. Maybe it had to do with the fact that they were leaving today’s practice, still surrounded by the team. Maybe he was trying to avoid the inevitability of all of it. “Let’s...let’s get food. Dinner?”

And he tried not to cringe when Aaron replied, “Cool. I’ll text Katelyn.”

So he brought Neil. That was fair, right?

Katelyn and Aaron were alot more touchy in public than Andrew had ever been with anyone, even Neil. She was always hanging off of Aarons shoulder, tugging at his hand, or leaning down to kiss him. 

What the fuck was this huge double standard? Why was it okay for Aaron to do things with the person he liked but if he so much as wanted to stand close to Neil, he risked everything? He recalled the time he had to defend Nicky, four against one. Everything was so goddamn unfair.

When they settled into a booth in some random corner of the small chinese restaurant, he began to slowly work through a mountain of rice and sweet and sour chicken. 

He almost choked on a particularly sweet piece of chicken when Neil pressed their legs together under the table. A small gesture but it brought him back to the conversation happening at the table.

“What?” He asked, a little harsher than necessary.

“I said that Katelyn says a bunch of Vixens are interested in Josten.”

He didn’t respond. If Vixens were into Josten then they were into Josten. That didn’t change the fact that Neil only wanted him.

“That’s too bad,” Neil said. 

“Yeah,” Aaron stabbed at his chow mien a little more aggressive than necessary. But he was a Minyard. Aggressiveness was in his blood. Why the hell did Aaron care if a bunch of Vixens were into Neil? Did he really suspect that Neil would leave him the first opportunity he got?

The table settled back into silence, and Katelyn wrapped an arm around him, seemingly calming him.

“Do you want my fortune cookie?” Neil moved to crack the cookie in two.

“You ask a lot of dumb questions.” He took the little slip of paper out of the middle and dropped the two halves inside of Andrew’s palm. 

Popping the two halves in his mouth, he had an epiphany. A justification as to why this particular conversation was so hard to have. It was because you never want to risk the possibility of someone you love not loving you back in the same way. Andrew did love his brother. He couldn't help not loving his brother. Love, for him, was a ferocious thing. 

When he loved someone, it was to give all of himself to that person, and isn't that just what he’d done? He’d killed for Aaron, and Aaron for him. And when he loved Neil, it wasn’t dull in comparison, just different. With Aaron it was devotion. It was bloody and messy, but love nevertheless. With Neil it was passion. A thousand burning bonfires. Countless yeses and a shared cigarette. These aren't emotions, just words strung together in a pleasing way to make it sound like it makes sense, but they were the best way he could describe how he felt. 

He crunched down hard and bit something he shouldn't have. Fucking fortune cookies. 

“Ow, shit!” Leaning forward, he cradled his face in his hands, the taste of iron fresh on his tongue. 

“Dumbass,” Neil pulled his face toward him and tilted Andrew’s chin back and forth, looking for any actual damage. “Did you just bite your tongue?”

Andrew grabbed hold of his wrist and stuck his tongue out, revealing a mouth full of bleeding tongue and chewed up fortune cookie bits.

“You’re such a baby. You’ll be fine.” He pushed Andrew’s head aside with his other hand and Andrew sat back in his seat, satisfied that he managed to gross Neil out. It wasn’t until Aaron spoke that he realized how normal he had felt in that moment.

“Do you have to do that,” Aaron started.

“What?” Neil responded.

“You know,” he threw his hand out at the picture in front of him. They’d moved to sitting shoulder to shoulder, “in public.”

“What the hell is your problem?”

“Knock it off, Neil.” Andrew said, voice bored. 

Neil furrowed his brow and looked angry before saying, “Fine.”

Aaron looked genuinely confused.

“What the hell are you talking about, Josten?”

Andrew pressed against his leg harder, and Neil seemed to get the message, because not everything between them needed to be spoken aloud. Especially not this. This here was another thing he knew Neil would do if he told him to: Stop. 

“I was being stupid. Excuse me.” He left the booth and headed for the bathroom. Andrew picked at a few more grains of rice before throwing down his wooden chopsticks and heading there himself.

It was clean, by public bathroom standards, but that didn’t mean that he would be willing to sit on a toilet seat any time soon. 

He found Neil standing over a stand alone sink. Probably angry. Definitely sad or as sad as people like them could get.

“Junkie,”

When he didn’t look up he said, “Neil.”

He could see now that he was shaking. Clutching the edge of the sink to keep himself from...what? Smashing a mirror? Lashing out at him?

Andrew stepped closer until he was able to loop his fingers through the loops in Neil’s jeans. He flipped him around so they were facing each other, but even then he couldn’t get himself to look Neil in the eye. Which was wrong because no matter what, he should’ve always been able to look Neil in the eye. A part of him felt ashamed. Not from the insults, he’d been dealing with those his entire life, but from the fact that someone else had gotten hurt because of the damage he was supposed to bear alone. This was the problem with having people close, they got wounded in your own personal wars.

Pressing his face into the hollow of Neil’s neck, he closed his eyes.

“Don't be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you.”

It took a lot for him to be vulnerable like this. To take down all of his defenses. His armor.

“Then don’t be mad at him. I don’t care what he says. It doesn’t matter.” Here goes everything. Even if he never needed to say it outloud, it felt important to do so now. “You...you’re the only thing that matters.”

“I guess Betsy’s really getting through to you, huh?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You just said I matter.”

“God, you’re annoying.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that you like me.”

Neil tilted Andrew’s chin up using his first finger and thumb.

“I could never be mad at you. Not in a million years.”

“That’s a long time.” 

Whether gravity was just a theory or not, they couldn’t deny that the pull of each other was very real. The way their bodies always seemed to find each other in a crowd, as if a string kept them tethered, pulling taut every time the pair were separated. 

“I think I could stick it out.” His other hand found itself on the back of Andrew’s head, and Andrew yanked at Neil's pants, closing the space between the two of them.

Time and space fell away as their lips met. Andrew had completely forgotten where they were in a Chinese restaurant's bathroom. Weirder things had happened. 

The sound of the door swinging open brought him back to the real world. Not the one he’d rather be in. He thought that he was spacing out a lot tonight, more than he had ever when he was on his meds.

“So you invite me out to talk, then you won’t talk to me, but you’ll sneak off into the bathroom to get dirty with your batty boy?”

Andrew wasn’t too sure what the fuck a batty boy even was, but Neil seemed to know. And he didn’t seem too fond of it. 

“Aaron can you fuck off? For maybe like five minutes?” 

“Sure, as soon as you stop shoving your tongue down my brother’s throat.”

“What the hell is your problem?” He snapped. “I don’t care if you don’t like me but can’t you at least pretend to be happy for your brother?”

“Neil.” Andrew warned.

He didn’t seem to care about Andrew’s warnings anymore, though. 

“Andrew.”

“This is not your fight.”

“You’re wrong.” He’d completely let go of the smaller boy now. Gesturing with every word he continued, as if he couldn’t contain himself within his body. “You made it my fight when you forced me to watch you break every goddamn time he says something dumb! He shouldn’t get to get away with it just because he’s your brother.”

Neil switched to Russian, so that only he could understand, but even then it was barely above a whisper. “I don’t want you to hurt anymore. Not because of this.”

The bathroom went completely quiet.

Russian again, “Go wait by the car.”

A hand placed on the back of his neck.

Forehead pressed against forehead.

He felt the heat of another person leave him. Heard the slam of a door being shut. Kept his eyes closed, not yet ready to face the world. 

Had he let something slip? It was a possibility that Neil just knew him that well, able to see the fracture lines through the mask he’d been wearing for so long.

It was a terrifying thing, being known. Having every intricate thing that made you tick laid out on a table to be inspected. 

“What’s he talking about?” Aaron asked. “What the fuck does he mean ‘watch you break’?”

How did he explain it? Easily. But how did he do it without making his brother feel guilty? The simple answer would be that he couldn't, and maybe it was because his brother was guilty. 

“The thing you say when you’re angry. The jokes. The things you call Neil. You can’t-Jesus Christ Aaron, a flamer? What year is it? What the hell is a batty boy?”

“He told you that? Fuck this.” He replied. “When are you going to stop picking him over me?”

“Why shouldn't he tell me? You are such a child sometimes.” He struggled to keep his voice even. “I never picked him over you, Aaron. Never. And even if I did, you picked her first.” 

“So then what? You’re saying that it’s my fault you started sucking Josten’s dick?”

“That’s not what I said.” 

There are only about 1500 active volcanoes in the world. He wouldn’t allow himself to become one of them. “It was always you, you know? I always picked you over him. Over everything.”

He thought about how even though he craved it, he wouldn’t allow himself to label the thing he and Neil had in the beginning. He was on his meds and they made things loopy. Hell, they even made life fun sometimes. But then they’d been snatched away. And then Easthaven. Even though he’d been quieter after that, less smiley and sarcastic, the thing he’d wanted to mark so badly had remained. Through multiple shit shows and near death experiences, Neil remained. 

The kisses he’d called nothing. The fumble of hands and sunsets viewed from rooftops. And they were nothing until Aaron had asked him if he would fight for Neil. So he did. Not because Aaron was fighting for Katelyn, even though that was what everyone had convinced themselves of, but because he wanted to fight for Neil. He just didn’t think that he would be allowed to actually fight for Neil. Never given the opportunity to try to. 

Despite his best efforts, Andrew Minyard was unbearably human. Meaning he was a helpless victim of wanting. But even after all of that, especially with all of that, he still found himself hopelessly devoted to his brother. 

“And I’m doing it now. Do you not get that?”

“No. I don't get that.”

The world seemed to shatter underneath those words.

“Yeah.” Everything was clear now. 

The fact that Neil was right. 

The realization that Aaron did not seem to love him in the way that he loved Aaron. Or if he did, it was not in a way he could begin to comprehend. 

“That’s your problem isn’t it? You just don’t get it.”

When he walked out of the restaurant, he ignored Katelyn’s confused glance from their booth, and went straight for the exit. Out of spite, he could make the couple walk home. If he wanted to have fun he could pack them into the car and make them endure a ride of awkward silence. He was still deciding which option would satisfy him most in the long run when he found Neil waiting, leaning against the side of the Maserati. 

Neil offered his cigarette to Andrew. He hadn’t actually taken a drag from it, Andrew just knew that he liked the way they burned.

Again, being known was a terrifying thing.

It was cold out, and he felt a rush of warmth when Neil pushed his thumb into the spot where his eyebrows were furrowed. He didn’t even realize they were furrowed.

“What’s this?”

“It's useless talking to him.” He took another drag and found a new found anger sparked within himself. “You knew that. I don't get why you had to go and start a fight over it.”

“You.” Neil removed his hand and looked off into some spot in the distance, “You don’t hide your sadness as well as you think you do. You looked like you were going to cry last night.”

Andrew took another drag and waited for him to continue.

“I think that I kind of wanted you to. Wanted you to show that you give a shit about the things he says instead of just holding it in.”

Sometimes, some rare times, pain didn't always feel violent and sharp. It didn’t always feel like it was cutting you into pieces from the inside out. 

It could feel like he was about to burst. He thought that there was so much inside of him that he might explode. That there was so much it resulted in nothing. Complete absence. 

“I do give a shit,” he hung his head on Neil’s right shoulder and let the cigarette fall onto the asphalt. “I just don't know how to show it yet.”

“Yeah, I know.” He wasn’t annoyed. What had he said earlier? A million years or some bullshit like that? 

“I’m sorry I started a fight. I can’t help it sometimes. I have a bit of an attitude problem.”

He bent over and kissed Andrew’s head. “I won’t do it again if that’s what you want.”

There was no label on him now. Not in this place, where they were masked by the dark of the night. He wasn’t anything other than Andrew, and he wished it could just be like this all the time. Because there was a this, there had always been a this, no matter how many times he had denied it.

“I don’t know.” He was starting to think that he didn’t know anything. Not really. 

“Okay,” He said.

“Okay?”

“It’s okay if you don’t know what you want.” Neil settled his chin on top of Andrew’s head, “One-hundred percent.”

“What are we becoming?”

“Normal people. I think.”

And to both of their surprises, Andrew snorted. 

“Idiot, we can’t be normal people, we’re Foxes.”

“Yeah,” Neil agreed. “But we can try.” 

It was a long ride back to Fox Tower, to say the least. Andrew, out of the kindness of his very cold heart, decided to spare Aaron and Katelyn the hike back to the dorms. Music played low on the radio, some bitching about not being in the same city as the one you loved. Neil, surprisingly, hummed along.

“Who the fuck is Delilah?” Andrew switched stations.

“I don’t know. Some girl. I liked that song.” Neil switched it back.

“Seems stalkerish to me.” He left it on. Whether this banter was making his brother and his cheerleader uncomfortable, he didn’t know, but he was really hoping it was.

When he parked the car in the student parking lot, nobody got out. Not when he unlocked the doors. Not when he removed the keys from the ignition. It was obvious that there were still many things to be said, and neither of them would be spoken until Neil and Katelyn left the car.

“Katelyn,” Neil said. “Should I walk you back to your dorm?”

She looked between the twins, who looked very much like twins at that moment, same indecipherable expression.

“Sure.”

Andrew watched them leave, he was sure that Aaron was watching as well. There wasn’t a single star in the sky. The night stretched on, almost limitless as the pair disappeared into the darkness. Aaron scooted to the middle seat and peered at him through the rearview mirror.

“I don’t get it,” 

Andrew stared back.

“You know they’re just jokes.”

“Mhm.”

“I didn’t mean them.”

“And yesterday?”

“What about yesterday?”

“Oh Aaron.” He said. “Sometimes I wonder if there is anything going on up there.”

Realization seemed to strike him. Yesterday was only so many hours ago. “God, Andrew, it’s just a word.”

“Seems like you already know where you stand on this. Why are we even talking?”

“Because I don’t fucking get it!”

Their eye contact broke when Andrew swerved in his seat, catching Aaron by the collar of his shirt.

Aaron kept saying he didn’t get it, fine, he’d make him understand. Here goes everything.

“It took me,” He started. “A long time to accept that this was a part of me. It took me even longer to wrap my head around Neil, but once I finally did, I ignored it. Do you know why?”

It was hypothetical, so Aaron didn’t respond.

“Katelyn was such a big betrayal to me. It felt like it all had been for nothing.”

“Do you mean highschool.”

“Highschool. Juvie. Freshman year. Hell, half of sophomore. All because of one girl. But then I had Neil,” He lowered his voice a bit. Like he thought saying it aloud would make it disappear and that saying it quietly would only make it fade slightly. “In a way that I didn’t think I could ever have anyone.” 

His voice wasn’t it’s usual bored tone, but something a step above it. Or below. Whatever it was, it was something.

They’d been going to sessions with Betsy, and some were working, but they’d never even breached this topic. This forgein, unmarked territory.

“It was never Neil over you. It was you, Aaron. Always. He was never even a fucking consideration.”

“Fine. Fine, but why him?”

“He-” He’d asked himself this very question so many times and the only solution he could come up with was the simplest one. “Because he’s Neil.”

Because Neil stopped. Because Neil stayed. Because Neil leaned on him just as much as he leaned on Neil. Because Neil there were an infinite number of reasons it was Neil and none of them would ever make sense to anyone that wasn’t him, and that was okay. It didn’t need to.

“Because it’s Neil?” 

“I don’t sit here and pretend to understand what you see in Katelyn. It doesn’t have to make sense to you, you just need to accept it.”

“I-” Aaron stumbled on the right words to find. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.”

“I don't hate you Andrew. Or the fact that you’re...gay. I don’t know what to say to make it better, but I’m sorry I made you feel like that anyway. I didn’t know that what I was saying did that to you.”

“Doesn’t matter anymore.” But it did.

“It does!” He snapped. “It does matter…because I hurt you. After...after mom.” Andrew hated that he still called Tilda mom. “After Luther. After all those years of everything. It was just normal for me. But I’m trying, Andrew.”

Andrew knew what Luther did to Nicky. What Nicky tried to do to himself. The thought that some of that could've lingered and attached itself onto Aaron never crossed his mind. But he was realizing now that maybe the wirings of Aarons brain were not entirely his fault. 

“I’m trying to unlearn all of that shit, but I guess I’m not doing that good of a job.”

“Yeah, you’re pretty shit at it.” Andrew said.

“Can we...I don’t know? Can we try again?” 

“What does that mean? Try again?”

“It means, hey Andrew! I heard you’re dating Josten! Congratulations!” 

He could see now that his brother really was trying. Then, even if it pained him, he figured that if he expected Aaron to accept Neil as a permanent part of his life, he could at least try to accept Katelyn as a part of Aaron’s. He figured that yes, they could try again.

“So,” He sucked in a deep breath. He could try to understand Aaron’s love. This was life, the trying, the failing, the reaching, the succeeding. He supposed that this also applied to love. A strange word that he found himself using more freely, but you could not have life without love, nor love without life. He felt very big in that moment, like the universe was finally opening up to him. “Katelyn, huh?”

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading  
> feel free to leave some nice words below  
> and if you're reading this while waiting for any of my ongoing fics to update...no you arent <3


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